The Nurse

Last week I had, possibly the WORST date of my life. THAT my friends, is saying something.
I met him on Match.com. Yea, yea, yea, I know it's no worse that some of the bafoons you meet when out at, well, ANYWHERE!
So anyway, he has three pictures of himself posted, which weren't too bad.
After a few emails we make a date for wine, Jonathan's, 6:30pm.
I arrive promptly and. . . WHATEVER, he looks 10 years older than his pictures, has a gold, figaro chain with a crucifix hanging from it (you read it correctly) and is wearing scrubs.
(OK - you aren't a surgeon and you didn't just come from surgery or even some random emergency! I've seen Grey's Anatomy - shower, put on some Gap jeans, a J. Crew sweater and a peacoat - SERIOUSLY!!!!)
I immediately shield my eyes from the crucifix and hope his martini isn't really Holy water with a blue cheese stuffed olive in it!
Instantly I knew this was gonna be a long one. . . Sigh. . .
He's already more than half through his martini when he tells me it was made completely wrong due to its lack of Vermouth.
"They just swirled the glass with it and dumped it out."
I tell him that's how they're typically made.(since I made 6 every Sunday for 2 years) He looks at me blankly.
Finally, a glass of 75 Cab is in hand and our server begins to suggest specials.
This man raises his hand to hush the server; I bow my head in embarrassment.
"First, I have a question for you."(I look up from my shame)
"Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?"
Thinking that the appropriate answer is most definitely NOT "Not a chance in HELL." I look to our server and ask for 20 minutes.
The first bullshit line arrives.
"You're skin is so flawless, how do you get it that way?"
Raising my glass I say, "Wine, bourbon and Oil of Olay."
Now he's perplexed. "Do I look like my pictures?" he asks.
(HA HA HA HA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)
"Well, your hair is a little more grey (Like ALL grey and you look a little crazy in the eyes) but other than that you look the same."
(Drinking drinking drinking)
I'm hoping by now you realize that things in () are my thoughts and not what is actually coming out of my mouth.
I agree to share an appetizer and with that he flags down our server. (ugh, I hate that too) Without asking my opinion he orders the special: 2 Ky. Ale battered shrimp on a bed of cabbage with mustard-wasabi sauce. Not a bad choice but he's apprently hungry and I'm thinking one shrimp just isn't going to help and will only prolong my misery. Call me crazy.
HE ATE THE TAIL OF THE SHRIMP!(I'm not kidding, I looked all over the plate for it, it was nowhere to be found!)
"Did you eat the tail???"
"I thought it was a little crunchy."
I'm fairly certain I had one of my classic 'You're a complete F'ing dumbass' facial expressions plastered across my face. Moving on.
The second bullshit comment arrives,
"So, why on earth do you not have a date tonight?"
(Regretably, because I'm here with you)
"I'm out with you this evening, aren't I?" (Please, someone, kill me!!)
"Do you like cats?" He asks me.
"They scratch in their shit and walk on your kitchen counters. . . no, I hate them."
"Are you allergic?"
"Sure. . . "
I decide to tell him that my cousin is on her way to my home because she has no power in her dorm and I must go let her in. (This is mostly true, but. . . she has a key.)
One last hoorah! RELIGION!
This was my OUT!!! I had this one IN THE BAG!
He was Episcopal turned Catholic. (He got MORE conservative) He goes first.
"Do you go to church?" (This is one of my MOST FAVORITE questions)
"I'm not allowed in them. . . they would burn down. . ."
He is COMPLETELY at a loss for words I think (DIRECT HIT!)
The more I realize I'm really getting to him the more I twist the knife.
It is now 8:00PM and I have officially lost one and a half hours of my life.
"I need to get home, my cousin should be there soon.
I stand, we exit and he asks to walk me to my car.
(For the love of bourbon, PLEASE let this end!!!)
"Can I see you again?" (Ugh, you have got to be kidding me. . .)
"I think we have some very fundamental differences." (It was the absolute most polite thing I thought all night.)

And with that, I drove around the block, stopped, and had a very large glass of bourbon.