The Aussie

The story began one evening in August, while my best friend and I sat on the sidewalk enjoying a much needed glass of wine. We had decided to call it an early evening(9ish)but as we walked towards our cars we spotted a friend. She was enjoying cocktails on the sidewalk of another favorite establishment with her boyfriend. Of course, we stopped . . . for just one more. Three cocktails later a handsome, distinguished fellow strolled along the sidewalk. Knowing me all too well, my friend says, "Sister, that is ALL YOU."
With just enough wine in me to not give it another thought, I made my way inside to the bar where instantly a chat ensued. It didn't take long before we joined my friends outside. The conversations and the wine carried on for hours! We chatted about a variety of topics, as I love to do and he held his own amongst the group. He was Australian with a beautiful accent and had many many tales to share. I was intrigued. I finally said my "good evenings," departing the sidewalk around 2:30am. I would see him again.

Over the next couple of days there were phone calls and several meetings for cocktails and chats. As he began to open up, he told me of #1, #2, #3, and #4. Curious, are you??? Three wives and a girlfriend. Red flag #1, 2, 3 & 4!!!!! Red Flag # 5-9 came in the form of, the issue of going home. I wanted to go home, alone and for him that meant I was completely, physically unattracted to him. Not really the case, I was just tired as hell, probably had to work the next morning and didn't feel like coming up with some quality shag performance. That shit takes energy these days! Or, maybe I just had on the wrong panties. Who knows?!
His strong discontent with my choice was making him far more unattractive than he suspected. Finally, red flag # 10 came during an evening in which I introduced him to a few friends. Things quickly fell apart. ANYONE who knows me at all knows all too well, you do not speak negatively about my friends.
He broke the rule and I broke it off, leaving him standing on the corner of Broadway and Short.
Apropos, I thought.

A few days later I was doing a "Surf for hottie-life-forms on Match.com."
Opening one profile I began to realize It Was Him! And HOLY CRAP, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know, I have pondered for quite some time whether or not to post this.
It just seems somehow morally wrong. But I just can't help myself.
I wish I'd seen this sooner! I could have saved myself 13 days!!! At least it's made a hell of a story!
So here you are! His actual Match.com profile. I swear to you, I did not edit one single word!
I present to you, The Aussie! ENJOY!!!

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AUSSIE ALPHA MALE, DELUXE SPORT MODEL
EXOTIC, FOREIGN, UNIQUE, SLEEK, CLEAN, CLASSIC, NICE!

HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, this one shouldn’t last long, Ladies. You don't see this touring edition often. Be the envy of all your friends when you take this one out for a spin. Only been on the lot just over a week, badly overlooked, but loaded with options; classic accent, tight upholstery, great bodywork, low miles (only two previous registered owners), steers great (never leaves road or garage at night), a KEEPER!

Loads of upgrades; impressive “talk” ratio for great top end conversations, automatic dinner check retrieval system, fast cabin heat exchanger (for those cold winter nights), very firm suspension for a smoother ride (no complaints from previous owners), responsive automatic starter and steering (voice activated), excellent anti-theft device (programmed to respond only to owner's commands), all rings checked and certified removed.

OWNER'S MANUAL SPECIFICATIONS
Length (overall): 186 cm, 6'1"
Weight (tare): 80 kg, 175 lbs
Gear Ratio: "Four on the floor" with synchro mesh

MAINTENANCE TIPS
Very low maintenance, self fueling, self cleaning, runs great on regular alcohols (variable blends), excellent pick-up, can pull multiple G's when needed.

DO'S AND DONT'S
DO enjoy yourself, relax and enjoy the ride all the way.
DO experiment freely with all onboard dials, knobs and other features.
DO try the built in automatic dinner and breakfast conversation program.
DO try the "white tie" soiree universal group mixer program.
DON'T overload carrying capacity with excess in-law baggage.
DON'T forget to polish chrome and drain fluids regularly for best performance.
Ooh! Great bargain at this price, Ladies!
Test drive this one TODAY. You WON’T be disappointed!