The story began one evening in August, while my best friend and I sat on the sidewalk enjoying a much needed glass of wine. We had decided to call it an early evening(9ish)but as we walked towards our cars we spotted a friend. She was enjoying cocktails on the sidewalk of another favorite establishment with her boyfriend. Of course, we stopped . . . for just one more. Three cocktails later a handsome, distinguished fellow strolled along the sidewalk. Knowing me all too well, my friend says, "Sister, that is ALL YOU."
With just enough wine in me to not give it another thought, I made my way inside to the bar where instantly a chat ensued. It didn't take long before we joined my friends outside. The conversations and the wine carried on for hours! We chatted about a variety of topics, as I love to do and he held his own amongst the group. He was Australian with a beautiful accent and had many many tales to share. I was intrigued. I finally said my "good evenings," departing the sidewalk around 2:30am. I would see him again.
Over the next couple of days there were phone calls and several meetings for cocktails and chats. As he began to open up, he told me of #1, #2, #3, and #4. Curious, are you??? Three wives and a girlfriend. Red flag #1, 2, 3 & 4!!!!! Red Flag # 5-9 came in the form of, the issue of going home. I wanted to go home, alone and for him that meant I was completely, physically unattracted to him. Not really the case, I was just tired as hell, probably had to work the next morning and didn't feel like coming up with some quality shag performance. That shit takes energy these days! Or, maybe I just had on the wrong panties. Who knows?!
His strong discontent with my choice was making him far more unattractive than he suspected. Finally, red flag # 10 came during an evening in which I introduced him to a few friends. Things quickly fell apart. ANYONE who knows me at all knows all too well, you do not speak negatively about my friends.
He broke the rule and I broke it off, leaving him standing on the corner of Broadway and Short.
Apropos, I thought.
A few days later I was doing a "Surf for hottie-life-forms on Match.com."
Opening one profile I began to realize It Was Him! And HOLY CRAP, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You know, I have pondered for quite some time whether or not to post this.
It just seems somehow morally wrong. But I just can't help myself.
I wish I'd seen this sooner! I could have saved myself 13 days!!! At least it's made a hell of a story!
So here you are! His actual Match.com profile. I swear to you, I did not edit one single word!
I present to you, The Aussie! ENJOY!!!
_______________________________________________
AUSSIE ALPHA MALE, DELUXE SPORT MODEL
EXOTIC, FOREIGN, UNIQUE, SLEEK, CLEAN, CLASSIC, NICE!
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY, this one shouldn’t last long, Ladies. You don't see this touring edition often. Be the envy of all your friends when you take this one out for a spin. Only been on the lot just over a week, badly overlooked, but loaded with options; classic accent, tight upholstery, great bodywork, low miles (only two previous registered owners), steers great (never leaves road or garage at night), a KEEPER!
Loads of upgrades; impressive “talk” ratio for great top end conversations, automatic dinner check retrieval system, fast cabin heat exchanger (for those cold winter nights), very firm suspension for a smoother ride (no complaints from previous owners), responsive automatic starter and steering (voice activated), excellent anti-theft device (programmed to respond only to owner's commands), all rings checked and certified removed.
OWNER'S MANUAL SPECIFICATIONS
Length (overall): 186 cm, 6'1"
Weight (tare): 80 kg, 175 lbs
Gear Ratio: "Four on the floor" with synchro mesh
MAINTENANCE TIPS
Very low maintenance, self fueling, self cleaning, runs great on regular alcohols (variable blends), excellent pick-up, can pull multiple G's when needed.
DO'S AND DONT'S
DO enjoy yourself, relax and enjoy the ride all the way.
DO experiment freely with all onboard dials, knobs and other features.
DO try the built in automatic dinner and breakfast conversation program.
DO try the "white tie" soiree universal group mixer program.
DON'T overload carrying capacity with excess in-law baggage.
DON'T forget to polish chrome and drain fluids regularly for best performance.
Ooh! Great bargain at this price, Ladies!
Test drive this one TODAY. You WON’T be disappointed!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Monday, March 9, 2009
In the moment. . .
I loved watching the curl of his hair fall against his neck.
The crinkle of the paper was that of a poem I'd yet to hear.
And his smile broke a thousand rules.
The crinkle of the paper was that of a poem I'd yet to hear.
And his smile broke a thousand rules.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
And sometimes there are friends. . .
And sometimes you have THAT friend. Purely platonic, makes you laugh your ass off, just love being around each other, Friend! And sometimes you have late night text message conversation from across countries. And SOMETIMES, they read like this.
(It was MUCH funnier to leave MY part of this conversation out!)
11:23PM (my time) 8:23PM (his time)
~Rough Day but I am @ my favorite San Diego bar, Jimmy Loves and there is a good band. Things are looking up.
~I am happy here but it would d be more fun to have someone to talk to rather than text. Perfect weather. My server has a great rack.
~I am pretty sure I am making the poor girl nervous but her body is amazing. This is what wars are fought for. I wish I were 25.
~I would not even get out of the blocks, but it is nice to think about. Damn she is young and sweet. Ska version of Jammin, nice.
~Then I wish I were there for you. I am feeling a bit lonely as well. I should pick up and oriental girl to bolster my confidence. There are several available.
~Reggae version of Hang on Snoopy. I should learn an instrument, I would get more ass for sure.
~I’d play base, somewhat in the background but setting the pace. Born on the Bayou now with a blues influence. I might get shitty tonight.
~The key is to get away without leaving. To escape even for a few hours thru drink, drugs or good loving. I would devastate this girl.
~That is where I am trying to get but @ $9 a glass. I should go home and get up early to run and save my cash for Bermuda.
~Going on the 4th glass drinking alone. Sad, but better that sober. Life would be easier if I were attracted to women my own age.
~I think he is a tool. Too self centered for you. It’s all about him. He’s a boy, you need a man.
~I can usually spot it across the room. You need and organic herb farmer or something of that ilk. Someone who knows who he is and where he fits, a man.
~Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Eclectic mix, very nice.
~No, you just need a guy who knows where he fits and is OK with it. Most of us are trying to get someplace else rather than enjoying where we are.
~I am getting near drunk enough to dance with the trannies. Should head home before tragedy occurs.
~Just ordered another, roll the dice.
~5 glasses of wine in an hour and a half. I am feeling sexy.
~Play that funky music!!! WTF? I can’t go home.
1:00AM (my time) 10:00PM (his time)
~Ignore him it will be good for his ego. I am headed back the hotel for some softcore porn.
(10:56AM my time 7:56AM his time the next morning )
~Ouch, a bit shaky this morning. Drinking alone is sad.
(It was MUCH funnier to leave MY part of this conversation out!)
11:23PM (my time) 8:23PM (his time)
~Rough Day but I am @ my favorite San Diego bar, Jimmy Loves and there is a good band. Things are looking up.
~I am happy here but it would d be more fun to have someone to talk to rather than text. Perfect weather. My server has a great rack.
~I am pretty sure I am making the poor girl nervous but her body is amazing. This is what wars are fought for. I wish I were 25.
~I would not even get out of the blocks, but it is nice to think about. Damn she is young and sweet. Ska version of Jammin, nice.
~Then I wish I were there for you. I am feeling a bit lonely as well. I should pick up and oriental girl to bolster my confidence. There are several available.
~Reggae version of Hang on Snoopy. I should learn an instrument, I would get more ass for sure.
~I’d play base, somewhat in the background but setting the pace. Born on the Bayou now with a blues influence. I might get shitty tonight.
~The key is to get away without leaving. To escape even for a few hours thru drink, drugs or good loving. I would devastate this girl.
~That is where I am trying to get but @ $9 a glass. I should go home and get up early to run and save my cash for Bermuda.
~Going on the 4th glass drinking alone. Sad, but better that sober. Life would be easier if I were attracted to women my own age.
~I think he is a tool. Too self centered for you. It’s all about him. He’s a boy, you need a man.
~I can usually spot it across the room. You need and organic herb farmer or something of that ilk. Someone who knows who he is and where he fits, a man.
~Superstition by Stevie Wonder. Eclectic mix, very nice.
~No, you just need a guy who knows where he fits and is OK with it. Most of us are trying to get someplace else rather than enjoying where we are.
~I am getting near drunk enough to dance with the trannies. Should head home before tragedy occurs.
~Just ordered another, roll the dice.
~5 glasses of wine in an hour and a half. I am feeling sexy.
~Play that funky music!!! WTF? I can’t go home.
1:00AM (my time) 10:00PM (his time)
~Ignore him it will be good for his ego. I am headed back the hotel for some softcore porn.
(10:56AM my time 7:56AM his time the next morning )
~Ouch, a bit shaky this morning. Drinking alone is sad.
Monday, February 2, 2009
The Nurse
Last week I had, possibly the WORST date of my life. THAT my friends, is saying something.
I met him on Match.com. Yea, yea, yea, I know it's no worse that some of the bafoons you meet when out at, well, ANYWHERE!
So anyway, he has three pictures of himself posted, which weren't too bad.
After a few emails we make a date for wine, Jonathan's, 6:30pm.
I arrive promptly and. . . WHATEVER, he looks 10 years older than his pictures, has a gold, figaro chain with a crucifix hanging from it (you read it correctly) and is wearing scrubs.
(OK - you aren't a surgeon and you didn't just come from surgery or even some random emergency! I've seen Grey's Anatomy - shower, put on some Gap jeans, a J. Crew sweater and a peacoat - SERIOUSLY!!!!)
I immediately shield my eyes from the crucifix and hope his martini isn't really Holy water with a blue cheese stuffed olive in it!
Instantly I knew this was gonna be a long one. . . Sigh. . .
He's already more than half through his martini when he tells me it was made completely wrong due to its lack of Vermouth.
"They just swirled the glass with it and dumped it out."
I tell him that's how they're typically made.(since I made 6 every Sunday for 2 years) He looks at me blankly.
Finally, a glass of 75 Cab is in hand and our server begins to suggest specials.
This man raises his hand to hush the server; I bow my head in embarrassment.
"First, I have a question for you."(I look up from my shame)
"Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?"
Thinking that the appropriate answer is most definitely NOT "Not a chance in HELL." I look to our server and ask for 20 minutes.
The first bullshit line arrives.
"You're skin is so flawless, how do you get it that way?"
Raising my glass I say, "Wine, bourbon and Oil of Olay."
Now he's perplexed. "Do I look like my pictures?" he asks.
(HA HA HA HA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)
"Well, your hair is a little more grey (Like ALL grey and you look a little crazy in the eyes) but other than that you look the same."
(Drinking drinking drinking)
I'm hoping by now you realize that things in () are my thoughts and not what is actually coming out of my mouth.
I agree to share an appetizer and with that he flags down our server. (ugh, I hate that too) Without asking my opinion he orders the special: 2 Ky. Ale battered shrimp on a bed of cabbage with mustard-wasabi sauce. Not a bad choice but he's apprently hungry and I'm thinking one shrimp just isn't going to help and will only prolong my misery. Call me crazy.
HE ATE THE TAIL OF THE SHRIMP!(I'm not kidding, I looked all over the plate for it, it was nowhere to be found!)
"Did you eat the tail???"
"I thought it was a little crunchy."
I'm fairly certain I had one of my classic 'You're a complete F'ing dumbass' facial expressions plastered across my face. Moving on.
The second bullshit comment arrives,
"So, why on earth do you not have a date tonight?"
(Regretably, because I'm here with you)
"I'm out with you this evening, aren't I?" (Please, someone, kill me!!)
"Do you like cats?" He asks me.
"They scratch in their shit and walk on your kitchen counters. . . no, I hate them."
"Are you allergic?"
"Sure. . . "
I decide to tell him that my cousin is on her way to my home because she has no power in her dorm and I must go let her in. (This is mostly true, but. . . she has a key.)
One last hoorah! RELIGION!
This was my OUT!!! I had this one IN THE BAG!
He was Episcopal turned Catholic. (He got MORE conservative) He goes first.
"Do you go to church?" (This is one of my MOST FAVORITE questions)
"I'm not allowed in them. . . they would burn down. . ."
He is COMPLETELY at a loss for words I think (DIRECT HIT!)
The more I realize I'm really getting to him the more I twist the knife.
It is now 8:00PM and I have officially lost one and a half hours of my life.
"I need to get home, my cousin should be there soon.
I stand, we exit and he asks to walk me to my car.
(For the love of bourbon, PLEASE let this end!!!)
"Can I see you again?" (Ugh, you have got to be kidding me. . .)
"I think we have some very fundamental differences." (It was the absolute most polite thing I thought all night.)
And with that, I drove around the block, stopped, and had a very large glass of bourbon.
I met him on Match.com. Yea, yea, yea, I know it's no worse that some of the bafoons you meet when out at, well, ANYWHERE!
So anyway, he has three pictures of himself posted, which weren't too bad.
After a few emails we make a date for wine, Jonathan's, 6:30pm.
I arrive promptly and. . . WHATEVER, he looks 10 years older than his pictures, has a gold, figaro chain with a crucifix hanging from it (you read it correctly) and is wearing scrubs.
(OK - you aren't a surgeon and you didn't just come from surgery or even some random emergency! I've seen Grey's Anatomy - shower, put on some Gap jeans, a J. Crew sweater and a peacoat - SERIOUSLY!!!!)
I immediately shield my eyes from the crucifix and hope his martini isn't really Holy water with a blue cheese stuffed olive in it!
Instantly I knew this was gonna be a long one. . . Sigh. . .
He's already more than half through his martini when he tells me it was made completely wrong due to its lack of Vermouth.
"They just swirled the glass with it and dumped it out."
I tell him that's how they're typically made.(since I made 6 every Sunday for 2 years) He looks at me blankly.
Finally, a glass of 75 Cab is in hand and our server begins to suggest specials.
This man raises his hand to hush the server; I bow my head in embarrassment.
"First, I have a question for you."(I look up from my shame)
"Would you like to have dinner with me this evening?"
Thinking that the appropriate answer is most definitely NOT "Not a chance in HELL." I look to our server and ask for 20 minutes.
The first bullshit line arrives.
"You're skin is so flawless, how do you get it that way?"
Raising my glass I say, "Wine, bourbon and Oil of Olay."
Now he's perplexed. "Do I look like my pictures?" he asks.
(HA HA HA HA NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!)
"Well, your hair is a little more grey (Like ALL grey and you look a little crazy in the eyes) but other than that you look the same."
(Drinking drinking drinking)
I'm hoping by now you realize that things in () are my thoughts and not what is actually coming out of my mouth.
I agree to share an appetizer and with that he flags down our server. (ugh, I hate that too) Without asking my opinion he orders the special: 2 Ky. Ale battered shrimp on a bed of cabbage with mustard-wasabi sauce. Not a bad choice but he's apprently hungry and I'm thinking one shrimp just isn't going to help and will only prolong my misery. Call me crazy.
HE ATE THE TAIL OF THE SHRIMP!(I'm not kidding, I looked all over the plate for it, it was nowhere to be found!)
"Did you eat the tail???"
"I thought it was a little crunchy."
I'm fairly certain I had one of my classic 'You're a complete F'ing dumbass' facial expressions plastered across my face. Moving on.
The second bullshit comment arrives,
"So, why on earth do you not have a date tonight?"
(Regretably, because I'm here with you)
"I'm out with you this evening, aren't I?" (Please, someone, kill me!!)
"Do you like cats?" He asks me.
"They scratch in their shit and walk on your kitchen counters. . . no, I hate them."
"Are you allergic?"
"Sure. . . "
I decide to tell him that my cousin is on her way to my home because she has no power in her dorm and I must go let her in. (This is mostly true, but. . . she has a key.)
One last hoorah! RELIGION!
This was my OUT!!! I had this one IN THE BAG!
He was Episcopal turned Catholic. (He got MORE conservative) He goes first.
"Do you go to church?" (This is one of my MOST FAVORITE questions)
"I'm not allowed in them. . . they would burn down. . ."
He is COMPLETELY at a loss for words I think (DIRECT HIT!)
The more I realize I'm really getting to him the more I twist the knife.
It is now 8:00PM and I have officially lost one and a half hours of my life.
"I need to get home, my cousin should be there soon.
I stand, we exit and he asks to walk me to my car.
(For the love of bourbon, PLEASE let this end!!!)
"Can I see you again?" (Ugh, you have got to be kidding me. . .)
"I think we have some very fundamental differences." (It was the absolute most polite thing I thought all night.)
And with that, I drove around the block, stopped, and had a very large glass of bourbon.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
A girl and her storybook.
One day you wake up, head out the door for a day of bicycles, star wars and kick the can when you realize the stupid, mud-covered boy next door is . . . HOT.
It does not take long to realize it’s a sick joke. Nonetheless from that point on we find ourselves in the timeless battle of trying to find the perfect, stupid, mud covered boy.
What happens along the way can make for some good story telling!
I’m 35, average looking (I think), live alone in an old carriage house in downtown Lexington, KY (love it) and I have never been married (and have no kids).
20 years of dating and never a dull moment.
It does not take long to realize it’s a sick joke. Nonetheless from that point on we find ourselves in the timeless battle of trying to find the perfect, stupid, mud covered boy.
What happens along the way can make for some good story telling!
I’m 35, average looking (I think), live alone in an old carriage house in downtown Lexington, KY (love it) and I have never been married (and have no kids).
20 years of dating and never a dull moment.
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